What a horrific week. Mere words can not describe it. I've been glued to the TV, the newspapers and the online press all week.
My personal bad week started Monday morning with a call from my husband. He called to tell me that a friend of ours died suddenly of a heart attack on Sunday. Our friend and his wife were sweet, kind people who had both found happiness in this second marriage, so this was very sad and shocking news indeed.
My husband called again in the afternoon to tell me that we owed a lot more in our quarterly tax payment than we originally thought. At the time, I found both these bits of news - one on top of the other - to be very depressing. I also remember thinking that bad things come in threes. I was waiting for the last shoe to drop - little did I know it was going to be the biggest shoe I'd ever seen - not even Paul Bunyan could fill this massive shoe.
My company had scheduled their annual trade show - a wine tasting with over a hundred wine producers in attendance - for September 11 and 12 at the Puck building in NYC. The Puck building (it's the one you see as Grace's office, if you've ever watched Will & Grace) is on Lafayette Street just south of Houston (house-ton not huse-ton - this is NY, not Texas! ) St - about 20 blocks uptown from the World Trade Center.
We didn't have to be there until 12 noon and I was riding in with some co-workers. The woman who was driving was picking me up at 10:30 am. We planned to drive into Hoboken, then take the PATH train into the city, then a cab.
I always have the Today show on while I'm potsing around in the mornings. I had just brought something into the living room to drop with the things I was taking with me to the show. I glanced at the TV as I did so, and was amazed to see a picture of the World Trade Center with gaping hole in its side and smoke pouring out of it. Thinking it must be a promo for some forthcoming Disaster of the Week movie, I looked down at the caption. It indicated that this was live footage shot from NBC's Sky Cams and that the reporter was on the phone with a man who had called in on his cell phone from a few blocks away.
The man was telling the reporter that a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center. I shook my head as I looked again. I thought - "What??? No way - it's a perfectly clear day. Not a cloud in the sky. The World Trade Center is huge - how could a pilot not see it." Then I thought, "perhaps the pilot - still thinking small plane, never for a moment did I think commercial jet - had had a heart attack and died at the controls."
As these thoughts were running through my head, suddenly a huge ball of fire erupted from the other tower. "The man screamed - another plane has hit the other tower." I again checked the caption on the screen to see if this was some promo or perhaps a War of the Worlds type hoax, but the caption still stated that this was a live telecast. I thought - uh-oh - this is not a simple accident. No way TWO planes fly into the towers on such a clear day (not even in pea soup fog!). And no way the first plane could cause an explosion in the second tower.
I quickly ran and gathered all the rest of the stuff I needed to get ready for the show (I was still going at that point - nuts, I know, but it hadn't sunk in that this was the birthing of a major, major disaster.), then proceeded my preparations in front of the TV.
I remember thinking I should call Linda, the woman who was picking me up, to see what we were going to do, but I couldn't take my eyes off the TV long enough to get her phone number. Then she called me.
"Did you see?" she asked. "Yes,"I answered, "I'm watching it now." We both agreed it was unbelievable ... mind boggling.
"What do we do. now?"she asked. "Maybe we should drive all the way instead of taking the train." Since it was still early, I suggested we meet at the office to find out what the others were doing (many of our co-workers were going in to the office first, then taking the train which runs nearby).
Linda decided to call Frank (company COO) to find out what we should do. She did this, then called me back to say that Frank said we should come to the office. The event had already been cancelled. Obviously there were some clearer heads than ours at work.
Feeling that sudden need to make contact with a loved one - as many felt - I called my husband to let him know I was going to the office instead of into the city. I wanted him to know I was safe - that he didn't have to worry.
Still thinking in the back of my mind that it was possible I was going into the city, I gathered all my stuff and left for the office which is safely in New Jersey. I did think to grab a portable radio on my way out. As I drove, I found an all news station on the car radio to get further news of this bizarre, still-feeling-unreal situation. I was waiting at a light two blocks from the office when the newscaster announced that one of the towers had collapsed. That report conjured up images of - a few floors damaged, perhaps some sections of the exterior falling. No way could I envision that the tower was gone completely. It was simply beyond the scope of my imagination.
I walked into the office and, of course, my co-workers were all clustered around a radio. "Oh, thank God you didn't go,"many of them said. (not everyone was scheduled to attend the event) "Have you heard?" they asked.
"Yes,"I said, "that's why I'm here. We weren't leaving until 10:30, so I saw it on TV."
"Have you heard that one of the towers has collapsed?" someone asked.
"Yes,"I replied. "What do they mean by collapsed?" I asked.
"Collapsed, totally down - flat." they answered.
"No way,"I exclaimed as I proceeded to my desk. No way, I thought. I've been there. I've stood next to those giant towers. I've stood on top of one - on the observation deck. These are huge, solid steel and concrete structures. The planes hit high. Perhaps some stories on the top collapsed, maybe the TV tower.
I recalled hearing stories of the plane that struck the Empire State building in the 40s. I had even read a book about it called "The Sky is Falling"- a horrible account that haunted me for months afterward. I thought if the Empire State building, which is dwarfed by these two behemoths, could survive a plane crash, surely these two could withstand one (each) as well. Mind you I was still thinking small plane at this point, maybe a Lear jet type commercial plane - but never an airliner full of passengers.
As I was turning on my computer, someone shouted, "The second tower has collapsed as well!"
My sense of being in a horrible nightmare was complete. "There's no way this can be real,"I thought. It simply couldn't be happening. None of us had even begun to grasp the whole terrorist involvement yet.
The rumors and news reports came flooding in. The Pentagon had been hit ... the White House ... the Capitol. Planes had been hijacked and flown into the towers. My mind couldn't process them fast enough. One of the rumors - which later proved false, thankfully - was that a plane had crashed into PA close to Camp David. This brought with it worries about my father, sister and her family who live in PA quite close to Camp David - which is just over the border in MD.
All through this, the horror began to spread through my thoughts - images of people trapped by the fires and devastation of the impact. Fireman and policeman (and women!) who would have been rushing into - not out of the buildings. A numbness began to creep through me. I couldn't think rationally any longer. I was running on autopilot as my mind struggled to take it all in.
Being a visual person, I needed to see it before I could believe it. As I listened to the news coming over the radio and the comments of my co-workers, I searched the internet for pictures, video clips - anything that would give me evidence that what I was hearing was not true. I wanted evidence that the towers were still standing - evidence that thousands of people had not died. I found none.
Linda, the woman who had been going to drive us to the trade show, arrived. We hugged each other and thanked God for the fortunate timing of our schedule - glad that we had not been put in harm's way or even close enough to merely witness these horrific events first hand.
Having worked in the World Trade Center prior to joining my company - and having lived through the bombing of the World Trade Center in '93, Linda was trembling. She still had not gotten over the '93 incident. She said she could never shake the fear and the vulnerability she felt then - still felt now 8 years later. She was reliving it anew with fresh horror at the magnitude of this new disaster which was hundreds, thousands of times worse than what she went through.
She also confirmed a memory that had been circling around in my head since I'd heard - but not yet absorbed - that the towers had collapsed. I worked in the city for many years and when there is an emergency, they tell you to stay where you are. Not to try and leave the building. Even if it is a fire - if you are below the fire floor, the common wisdom is that you are safer in the building than fleeing down the stairwells, which are often dark and hazardous if many people are rushing down them in a panic.
Linda confirmed that when the bomb went off in the WTC in '93, they were all instructed to stay where they were - not to try and evacuate. She said emergency people came around floor by floor afterward and led them down the stairs. The bomb went off at around 12:30 and she didn't get out of the building until 3:30 - and that was from a floor in the 40s or 50s. It took them nearly 6 hours to evacuate the whole tower. It simply wasn't possible to do it any faster.
Much of the rest of the week is a blur of reading newspaper accounts and watching TV. So many of those who are missing lived in the same NJ county as I do. Each day our local paper has run pictures and small stories about local residents whose loved ones are missing. Each story reads almost the same ... the person worked on an upper floor, many for Cantor Fitzgerald on the 101-105th floor... the person called a family member or friend to assure them that they were okay and about to leave the building ... then silence, no further news. Each one ending a heart wrenching plea for information.
I'm fortunate in that none of my relatives, friends or acquaintances worked in the Trade Center, but everyone I know, knows someone who is among the missing. This is a commuter area filled with "bedroom "communities. The train line that runs through most of the surrounding towns is why so many who work in NYC live here. It all so sad ... so very sad.
On Tuesday evening, we were supposed to go to the wake for our friend who died, but we couldn't get there. All the major highways all up and down the Hudson river in New Jersey were closed so emergency vehicles could get through. Many triage areas were set up here and many of our local fire departments, emergency departments, ambulance corps and hospital personnel rushed to help.
We called our friend's wife to apologize, and she told us that the funeral had been postponed because not even his family could get there from PA, so the wake had been extended to include Wednesday as well.
Enough of the roads had been opened on Wednesday to allow us to travel from Northern NJ to Bayonne where the wake was being held, so we went. The New Jersey Turnpike was open except for the exits for the Lincoln and Holland tunnels that go into the city, and that's the best way for us to get to Bayonne, so that's the way we went.
The NY skyline is visible for long stretches of the northern part of the turnpike, so I got my first, in person look. While this whole horrendous (I keep looking for words that will describe the feeling, and I fail completely) event still feels unreal, surreal, none of it had really sunk in - until I looked over at NY and saw firsthand the hole in the skyline.
"Where are the Twin Towers,"I kept thinking - truly expecting to see them standing tall, where they belong. "Please be there, please just be a terrible nightmare, a mistake."
It is not - they are no longer there. Forever gone along with thousands of lives. Still feeling numb, yet at the same time, I felt as though I'd been struck with a tidal wave as the thoughts hit home that it was true. It really happened.
Even now my mind struggles to grasp the reality. The Empire State building stands alone, now. Looking so forlorn, so sad without it's younger, but much taller sisters. I recall thinking that it stands now as a symbol of so many who have also had family and friends ripped from them by such an atrocious act.
On our way home, later in the dark, I looked once again to see the lights of the Towers that were no longer there. With a trembling start, I realized I could no longer see the Empire State Building, either. Frantically, I said to my husband, "Where is the Empire State Building - I don't see it!"
"We're not far enough north,"he answered, though he looked as well.
"No,"I said, "I know you can see it from here, because I always look to see what color lights they have at the top."
For those of you who don't know, they always light the Empire State Building with appropriate colors for the season - red & green for Christmas, green for St Patrick's day, purple and yellow for Easter, orange for Halloween, and red, white & blue for patriotic holidays in between. Above the lights of the smaller buildings, the sky was dark. My heart stopped.
Then I spotted the red lights on the radio/TV antenna blinking through the smoke - it was still there, but darkened - most all of the office lights were out (they are usually left on as are the lights in many NYC buildings). Darkened in mourning for its lost sisters, I assumed. I breathed a sigh of very great relief. I simply could not stand to lose another landmark symbol - symbols that say so much about New York and our country as well. Not in one lifetime, let alone in two days.
We continue in a state of alert, here. We keep hearing reports that the hijackers lived near here for a time. A warehouse whose owner lives in my town has been investigated as a possible staging area. A van was stopped a few miles from here, it's occupants detained under a cloud of suspicion. We have nurtured vipers in our bosom, indeed.
Sirens wail. F16 fly above.
Unexpected noises make me jump. Even expected ones - a low flying plane (we live within the landing pattern for Newark and Teterboro) - the loud rumbling of a truck hitting a bump in the highway that runs one block from my house - a loaded fork lift truck in the warehouse that hit the wall behind my desk (a common occurrence). And I know my life along with the lives of countless others has been changed forever.
I fight with the fear, knowing I can't function normally with it constantly in attendance. I wonder if I can ever again feel safe in the city that I love. I have always loved living close to New York. I worked there long enough that I mostly felt safe - as safe as one can be in a large city - as safe as I feel in my own town. When you spend a lot of time there, you learn where to go, how to act - how not to get in trouble. But no amount of time spent there could prepare anyone for this. Nothing on this earth could prepare anyone for this.
I don't fight the sorrow and the sadness or the horror of it all, though. I feel overwhelmed by it all. It's come too close for me - too close for all of us. I think - even those on the other side of the earth in Australia. It is felt a world-wide, I know that from the outpouring of emotion I see on TV.
What kind of monsters are those who could do this? Who are these creatures - I can not even believe that they are simply misguided people. They can't be human at all. And again it boggles my mind that there are so many of them. What kind of monstrous evil lives in the heart of Osama bin Laden that he can drive or inspire his followers to commit such heinous acts. And in the name of their god, no less. Who can believe in such a god? It is totally beyond my ken.
I watched the Palestinians who rejoiced in the street. (note: these reports have since been declared old footage that had nothing to do with the WTC, but I didn't know it at the time this was written) What kind of people can cheer at thousands of innocent lives lost? I saw children cheering. What kind of monsters teach innocent children to cheer at such dreadful news. Who and what will these children be when they grow to adulthood. I can not grasp that they are raising another generation of such heartless creatures.
What can we do, I wonder. How can we prevent such a horrendous act from ever being perpetrated again - anywhere, any time? What do we do with such archfiends? How can we find them and rid the world of their evil and vicious work? And how can we do so without endangering other innocents along the way?
For they must be punished, these evil ones. I simply can not deal with a turn-the-other-cheek philosophy - not in this case - not in the face of such dastardly acts. But on the other hand, I fear what retribution for these acts will bring down upon us. No sane person among us really wants a third world war - and I fear that's what may come of this.
Too many countries with unstable-minded leaders possess weapons of destruction. Nuclear bombs and missiles, biological warfare as well. What good will it do us to punish the wicked if we lose all the innocents of the world as well.
I pray that our leaders and the leaders of the rest of this world will make wise decisions in the weeks and months to come. And I wonder where we will go from here ...
If you've stayed with me so far, sorry that this has been so long, but I had to get it all down. Writing it has acted as a catharsis of sorts. I needed to do it for my sanity and so I can have it forever to remember - for it should be remembered. I had to share my thoughts and feelings for they're too large for me to hold alone.